Nothing will fuck up your twenties more than thinking you’re supposed to have your shit together.
Things that need to be more affordable:
-whole, natural foods
-University (education) tuition
Things that need to be more expensive:
-processed foods that are causing the obesity rate to skyrocket
"I put my toddler’s jeans on my dog." [beerham]
yeah no matter how fancy your digital art program is, it will never be as fab as this
can u scribble with all the colors of the wind
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Reblogging because there are some sassy little shits out there.
(I like that this has no gender pronouns, too.)
I like that the person asking for sex isn’t pissed off.
This is great.
this is 100 fucking percent how it should be
and honestly, i love that they made the person who was asking not angry but a little sad. like “darn, i wanted the booty” and not “WELL FUCK YOU FOR NOT LETTIN ME HIT THAT”. just a lil sad, but still nice
Gonna reblog this every time it crosses my dash.
This is so intriguing
Need to get more.
this shit just LOOKS painful idk how yalll do it
That shit IS painful. SMH. And I’d do it again.
I want another tattoo.I didn’t think my tats hurt when I got them. I was expecting more pain but it was nothing. I want another tattoo.
it’s annoying. i wanted to swat the tattoo artist like she was a fly. still contemplating #2 though…
I need a new one
Pain is pleasure
^^ and that
Who ever said it was annoying and wanting to swat the tattoo artist is spot on lol
Raven-Symoné Christina Pearman
Born December 10, 1985 (age 28).
Model, Dancer, Comedian, Actress, Songwriter, Vocalist, Musician and Producer!
5 years ain’t that bad . i’m still coming for her !
Shes incredible seriously
Can we be best friends?
This is the world of equality. It’s horribly small.
I love how everyone who reblogs this knows exactly what it is about.
i would love to see Illinois on here.
can someone explain me this post? Thank you.
The places colored in have marriage equality. The rest do not.
*whispers* Why aren’t the oceans coloured
Because fish are fascist homophobes
Can’t wait to see my country here.